Do you allow dinner guests to help serve and/or clear?

I recently had a disagreement with someone about whether or not to allow dinner guests to help serve and clear. Her view is that they are there as guests and are not to be involved in those kinds of things. This applies to close friends, family, and people she knows less well.

However, I am a much less formal person and come from a much less formal family than my friend does. I tend to make that decision based on whether or not helping would allow my guests (no matter who they are) to be more comfortable and enjoy themselves more, which is my ultimate goal.

How do you approach it?

How do you approach it?

Well if they look like they have steadier hands than She-who-must-be-obeyed, I'll let them carry the glassware out to the kitchen....

My family is not only allowed to help serve and clear, they are strongly encouraged to do so! I'm not some sort of servant ya know.

Friends are a different story. I do not allow them to help serve or clear. That’s my job. Their job is to relax and enjoy themselves.

When I am at someone else’s house I insist on helping clear away the dishes.

Friends are a different story. I do not allow them to help serve or clear. That’s my job. Their job is to relax and enjoy themselves.

When I am at someone else’s house I insist on helping clear away the dishes.

Ah ha! It sure didn't take long for this double standard to raise its head!

Friends are a different story. I do not allow them to help serve or clear. That’s my job. Their job is to relax and enjoy themselves.

When I am at someone else’s house I insist on helping clear away the dishes.

Ah ha! It sure didn't take long for this double standard to raise its head!

I'm a man and therefore all about double standards.

I make my friends do prep, as well. A regular Simon LeGree, that's what I am.

I make my friends do prep, as well. A regular Simon LeGree, that's what I am.

If you could also convince them to bring all the food and wine you would have hit the jackpot.

They usually do.

Did I mention my ethnic heritage?

If you could also convince them to bring all the food and wine you would have hit the jackpot.

Now you are talking about the Great Terrine Competition. People not only bring food and wine, they often bring dishes. Can't do better than that!

I expect family to help clear, wash, dry, etc. Since I do all the shopping, prep, cooking, it is only fair that they assist with clean-up. Guests are another story....if they offer to help clear, that is all right. I put the food away as quickly as I can, put dishes into a hot soapy water, and join them in another room for after dinner drinks. Sometimes, a close friend will insist that she wash the hand washables, in which case I will dry and put away.

Pretty much just like Karen. We all pitch in no matter who is hosting. Family and/or friends. The only instance, that I can think of, where that might change is if we were having one of our associates from the either job attending.

Richard

I strongly prefer doing everything, certainly if it's just Janet and me. Partly because I can keep the somewhat less attractive bits for myself, partly because it's easier to clean as I cook, so stuff can be washed, stored, etc.

Same for bigger parties -- but it's often tough because folks want to "help". My experience has been, though, that I spend more time later reorganizing -- people rarely are willing to put stuff in the dishwasher.

All or nothing in my kitchen.

I answered "it depends."

It really is No, they're guests, and I wouldn't consider it, except that I have one group of friends, whom I always have over together, who are all restaurant pros, and they don't ask - they just do. It's second nature to just get in there and clear, rinse, wash, dry and stack. I've tried to stop them, but it's no use, and I've long ago given up.

But normal people, no, they're not even allowed in the kitchen.

NEVER...no really never. I can't stand when guests try and clear up. They stop their conversations, get up, bump into each other getting into the kitchen, "Where's the garbage?, "Do this go in the recycling?", "Should I rinse this first?"...UGGHH no not for me! The only one that can help me clean up and my husband and that only started happening a few yrs ago. I am a total control freak!

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this and think that it's easier for me. It even drives me crazy when my husband gets up to get himself something to drink...just tell me what you want and I will get it!

As for bringing food, I never ask anyone to bring anything unless it is some kind of potluck dinner. I like having control over what is being made/served, plus, I don't like to depend on others to bring something. I don't mind if someone brings a bottle of wine or a dessert, but I never count on it. I also don't hang around with foodies, so if people do bring something, it's usually pretty mediocre and I don't want people to think I made it. I also hate pretending something tastes good when it really doesn't...LOL (I hope I don't sound too snobby).

I also hate when I am invited to a party and are expected to bring something. Having little children means canceling at the last minute, and then I am left with 4lbs of bacon wrapped dates in the fridge! All that work for nothing. Drives me crazy...if you are having a party, you need to provide the food and drink...if you can't do that, then don't have a party...JMHO. (Like I said, a potluck or a foodie party where everyone cooks well and brings a specific dish is a different story...what I am talking about are children's bday parties or Christmas/Holiday/Thanksgiving parties where you (the guest) is expected to bring a dish). If you don't like to cook or not very good at it, but you still want to have a party, get it catered.

Can you tell I am a little bitter...I guess I have been invited to too many parties this yr that I really didn't want to go to AND had to make food!

Just call me "Bree Van de Kamp"...

[Jenise]

I'm in the "never" camp.

Mind you, there are exceptions. My dinners are never formal (to my mind, anyway) but they are often complex and I like a loaded-looking table. With eight or ten guests, which happens often, I gratefully accept a guest's offer to help deliver food because I know the wait seems interminable for those already seated.

But I always refuse help cleaning up for several reasons. One, I want guests to relax after dinner, and I want to relax after dinner too. Bob and I typically put the leftovers away and fill the dishwasher, but the pans and glassware are left for the next morning when I take care of the final cleanup. This way Bob and I get to bed at a decent hour. I'm not one of those people who can't go to bed until the kitchen is spic and span--if I have guests, or my husband needs rest, then I have better things to do. Two, I don't want to have to stay at their house and do dishes when the shoe's on the other foot!

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this

Every man on the WLDG is now disappointed you are already married! (Of course half of them were before....)

I'm with you Jenise....years ago I started refusing any help from our guests, because I did not want to have to clean up at their dinner parties either. It worked for a long time. Now that we and most of our friends whom we entertain are "seniors",a little help is appreciated.

Maria, I agree with you, as well...I hate it when I have to answer all the questions, "do you want this in another container", shall I just throw this salad out? Blah, blah, blah! That is why we put the food away, even if the next day, I might have to take it out and put into smaller containers, etc. Plus, dishes put into nice hot soapy water are not smelling up the kitchen, and cannot be seen if the guests step back into the kitchen for something.

I have a friend who built a huge laundry room/small second kitchen area. After cleaning plates, food etc. they all went into that second kitchen area and the door was closed. She usually had hired a neighborhood kid to clean up the mess and put away the food in a second refer she had out there. Dishes were stacked neatly on the folding counter until the next day. She often invited guests to come back into the kitchen to have lattes and dessert. I always thought that was such a cleaver design.

Friends are a different story. I do not allow them to help serve or clear. That’s my job. Their job is to relax and enjoy themselves.

When I am at someone else’s house I insist on helping clear away the dishes.

Ah ha! It sure didn't take long for this double standard to raise its head!

Yup - me too

To be fair though it tends to be an offer rather than anything else - I figure if someone could really use the help, then they'll say yes. Otherwise, at least I offered.

Oddly when entertaining, an occasional little help in the right place when cooking (but please don't get in my way!) is really appreciated. Assisting in serving up can be a bonus, as I do like to get plated up in double-quick time. Even opening & pouring the wine can be appreciated, or maybe grating some parmesan, or stirring the sauce. I don't mind chit-chat (indeed the open-plan kitchen / dining area is very much my preference), but if someone wants an in-depth conversation then they've chosen the wrong time (I'm focussed on how the timing of the food is coming together).

No-one else gets near the Gaggia though

regards

Ian

For me, it depends on the circumstances.

If I've invited folks over to my house for me to feed and entertain them, then I do the serving and clearing up. If a guest volunteers to help out, I will thank them for the offer, but plead that I know where everything needs to go, so I'd rather do it myself.

But I also take part with close friends in communal get-togethers, where, though it may physically take place at one of our homes, none of us is really host and none of us is really guest. There we all do the cooking, serving, and clearing up.

-Paul W.

Golly, guess I'm in the minority on this one. Yes, I allow them to serve, and clean up, and make me tea if I've had too much to drink. Sometimes if I'm having a long day, I'll ring and they'll just bring the whole dinner over. But the people I have to dinner tend to be people I've grown up with - we've lived together at college, gone through uni together, we're closer than family. They know their way around my kitchen as well as I do. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

There is another situation where it's not just acceptable, but desirable (and it's fair to say that women are generally way ahead of us guys in this respect)...

it's when you want to have a really good chat with someone, away from the rest of the group. It might be a "how are you really doing?", or "tell me all the glorious details "... or just a chance for old friends to catch up away from all the other distractions. A real charmer may even use it to get some time with someone they'd like to get to know better.

regards

Ian

But I always refuse help cleaning up for several reasons. One, I want guests to relax after dinner, and I want to relax after dinner too. Bob and I typically put the leftovers away and fill the dishwasher, but the pans and glassware are left for the next morning when I take care of the final cleanup.

Exactly the same dinner party game plan here, Jenise. Pots, pans, dutch ovens, etc. get soaked overnight and cleaned the next day. Stemware is also put aside for the next day because they are time consuming to clean and my breakage rate seems to be much higher after a a dinner party. Can't imagine why that would be the case.

Golly, guess I'm in the minority on this one. Yes, I allow them to serve, and clean up, and make me tea if I've had too much to drink. Sometimes if I'm having a long day, I'll ring and they'll just bring the whole dinner over. But the people I have to dinner tend to be people I've grown up with - we've lived together at college, gone through uni together, we're closer than family. They know their way around my kitchen as well as I do. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wow, *C*. You must be a great friend if they bring the whole dinner over. I'm not sure I would even want some of my friends to do that. We just might end up eating Lil' Smokies and drinking Yellow Tail.

That was a nice comment about your college/university mates. Some of mine are also closer than family. And that is why when I have a football party I tell them..."There is the chili, there is the cooler of beer, please help yourself but use the upstairs bathroom."

I was raised in a strict Italian family, where men did not get up to do anything and women waited on them. I kinda like this

Every man on the WLDG is now disappointed you are already married! (Of course half of them were before....)

Awww...you're too kind Cynthia. But just wait until they hear my nagging...they may not be so disappointed then Just ask my husband!!